I Never Knew Motherhood Would Be Filled With This Much Guilt

March 2, 2010 By 13 Comments

I recently attended Mom 2.0 Summit (yes, my posts on that event are coming soon), and spent the entire trip riddled with guilt. So much so that it affected my ability to learn, network, and really let loose and have a good time with this group of like-minded and motivated women. To a degree, it was opportunity and $1500 wasted.

Why was I guilty? Simple. It’s because I wasn’t home taking care of my husband, kids, and home. I was doing something just for me, and I couldn’t even enjoy it. Don’t laugh. It’s true. And I can’t shake the feeling.

Is this how all moms feel? Or just ones that are home with their kids? Does every trip to the stylist, vacation sans family, or just few minutes alone on the toilet have to be embedded in guilt? Why can’t I enjoy anything fully anymore?

There was a panel at Mom 2.0 that I so regret not attending. I was reminded of it today when I saw (my favorite mom blogger) FaintStarLite’s post “Bad Mothers” which included excerpts from a Mom 2.0 panel of self-proclaimed “bad mothers” that talked about how it’s ok to not be June Cleaver with the patience and the aprons, and that it’s normal that we think of ourselves as a mother among other things – a writer, a businesswoman, whatever.

When I saw this panel on the agenda for the summit, I looked right past it. “I know I’m not a perfect mom and that I don’t have to be. I don’t need a therapy session,” I told myself, and went to a more comfortable panel focused on something nice and geeky, I’m sure. Now here I sit, 2 weeks later and fresh from a good cry, because I feel guilty that I am not patient enough with my kids and that much of the time I’m on the floor playing with them I can’t get my mind off of a website I’m building or my next blog post.

But I quit my corporate job to be at home with my kids. No, I didn’t. I quit my corporate job so that I didn’t have to do one more thing that someone else wanted me to do that I really didn’t want to do. A benefit is that I get to be home with my kids, but truly I quit my job so that there was room for me in my life. Now if I could just learn to sit back and enjoy the “me” time and build my business without the intense guilt, I think my whole family would benefit.

This is a work in progress for me, and I do hope there comes a time when I can shake this guilt. I believe that every parent desires and needs time away from their kids. This doesn’t mean we don’t love and adore them, but it means we need some recharge time so that we are at our best when we are with them.

I’m hoping to make it to Austin in a couple weeks for South by Southwest Interactive and I’d love to go without guilt strapped to my back. I know this choice is mine. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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  • http://www.kidtogrownup.com BobbiJanay

    Girl, I hear you. Where are you flying into for SXSW? If you fly in to DFW we have to grab lunch and chat. It would be great to see you again and talk.

  • Sarah Flynn

    hey – I feel it every day. I want to work on the computer and do things for me, but I have this responsiblity to be the care taker of all. I even feel it more so that I am going to be responsible for their schooling. I feel guilty that they are not entertained enough. I'm worried that I'm not going to teach them right. I can't enjoy a day when their Nana takes them, because I don't know what to do with myself when that happens. I know men do not feel this way. It is such a wierd thing….

  • heatheracton

    VERY good to know I'm not the only one. I guess I already knew I wasn't the only one, but the feeling can really bring me down. Especially when I am really feeling a pull to move forward with the business. I love my kids, but 24/7 is driving me batty…

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  • http://www.kidtogrownup.com BobbiJanay

    I forgot to add it wasn't a waste of money think of all the new friendships that are forming from that trip.

  • Chris

    Well…I think you generalized a little too much with your last statement (the “men do not feel this way” and not the “it is such a weird thing”). It might be true that a lot of men don't feel that way (even if they did they won't admit it since others might perceived that as being weak/feminine) but I can tell you for a fact that some men do feel that way…I do almost all the time. I decline invitations to see ballgames because of it. I guess some people might think I'm “weak/feminie” but I don't care…I know that my kids are only going to be that age once and that's it. I'm not going to miss it if I can.

    Now, I'm not saying that having “me” time is bad or selfish but when your kids are super attached to your partner and aren't the slightest bit attached to you then you might want to re-evaluate your priorities (both parents – not just the mom). Having said that I don't think Heather has anything to worry about, though. How do I know? Just by reading all the posts/tweets she has about her kids is enough to tell me that she spends a good deal of time “entertaining” her kids.

    Oh, I didn't write this to offend anyone…just wanted to clarify that some guys do have these guilty feelings too! :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/heatheracton Heather Suchy Acton

    It's funny that we do still tend to generalize as moms being the primary caretakers of the kids, but it is true – more and more dads are taking on that role, or at the very least are extremely involved in the kids' lives if they are the working member of the family.

    I do feel lucky that our kids are very attached to both Mike & me, but still Mike is away from the home 50 hrs/week that I am here. When it hits 4 days and I haven't been away from the kids & home, I get pretty antsy and overall feel very stifled. I am not a homebody and am overall very independent – my kids challenge both of those qualities (that run strong) in me. Even if I get a night or two out per week, I still get PLENTY of quality time with the kiddies – no worries there =)

    Thanks for your input, Chris – I don't think you offended a soul =)

  • http://twitter.com/thebloggerspost Marty Bhatia

    Although I am not a parent, I am a blogger, entrepreneur, and a man who has felt like I lived on the guilt bus my whole life. I recently had a major life change that was difficult, but the breakdown lead to a very clear view of the amount of guilt I feel.

    I discovered that in a moment of clarity that my guilt came from my perception of time. Considering we are bloggers and are in 2010, we are accustom to instant gratification. That instant gratification is impossible to achieve all the time, and when I fail I feel guilty.

    My new exercise is adding buffers of time in the forms of agreements with those closest to me. For one I no longer return phone calls immediately. The agreement can be that for 20 minutes everyday you get to sit in peace and quiet undisturbed. Let all of the thoughts you have in that 20 minutes arrive, say hello, and pass, until you get close to or to a quiet mind.

    It has been very beneficial for me, and has helped clear the guilt that I was constantly feeling.

    I hope that helps, and good blogging.

    Marty

  • http://twitter.com/thebloggerspost Marty Bhatia

    Although I am not a parent, I am a blogger, entrepreneur, and a man who has felt like I lived on the guilt bus my whole life. I recently had a major life change that was difficult, but the breakdown lead to a very clear view of the amount of guilt I feel.

    I discovered that in a moment of clarity that my guilt came from my perception of time. Considering we are bloggers and are in 2010, we are accustom to instant gratification. That instant gratification is impossible to achieve all the time, and when I fail I feel guilty.

    My new exercise is adding buffers of time in the forms of agreements with those closest to me. For one I no longer return phone calls immediately. The agreement can be that for 20 minutes everyday you get to sit in peace and quiet undisturbed. Let all of the thoughts you have in that 20 minutes arrive, say hello, and pass, until you get close to or to a quiet mind.

    It has been very beneficial for me, and has helped clear the guilt that I was constantly feeling.

    I hope that helps, and good blogging.

    Marty

  • http://www.adventureswithmykids.com/ adventureswithmykids

    I completely agree with you! I could very easily say “ditto” to the entire post. Right there with you. Right there with you.

  • http://www.adventureswithmykids.com/ adventureswithmykids

    I chuckled when I read this post. I am right there with you!

  • heatheracton

    I'm glad I am not the only one! =)

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